Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back

Firstly, if you haven't seen the museums in Washington, DC museum, do so. They are all free to enter [1], and all the ones I visited were excellent. I assume the others are similar in quality.

Last month, the family and I visited the DC Zoo. Likewise highly enjoyable.

To my surprise, the best thing I saw there was neither the galumph of the sloth bear, nor the preposterous pulling power of the tug-o-warring orangutan, nor even the revelation that a fully grown hammerhead shark's brain is roughly the size of a pistachio. Through all these wonders and more, the best thing I saw was a shirt.

This shirt:

It had been many moons since a t-shirt screamed so loudly and felt so vital.

"Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back."

Holy moly was this a cool glass of water to a parched gullet.

I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing. "Somebody who gets it," I thought.

This was it. The antidote to the standard psychoslop that regularly envelops us. The remedy to the messages we receive both explicitly and implicitly, both internally and externally: "protect yourself. Judge others. Don't show weakness. Destroy others so you don't get destroyed yourself!"

It's a race to the bottom where we all lose.

Then there was this shirt.

As a True Believer in this shirt, let's unpack a few reasons this was the wisest thing anyone read that day.

Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back socially

Two people cannot become friends without at least one of them bridging the gap into the unknown, taking action to turn nothing into ... something.

But we often step ourselves from talking to new people because we're worried they'll judge us, or they'll reject us. We're worried we'll be nervous and say something dumb. Does this mean you can't make friends? No. It means you're one of the billions of humans who have roamed this earth. Congratulations. This happens to all of us.

It's up to you whether you follow this old script all the way to the grave. If you'd like to build friendships in life, you're going to have to run the risk of looking stupid.

Here's the good news: it will be worth it. Don't believe me? Next time you encounter a new person, ask yourself "what is the very worst that could happen if I try to talk to them right now?" and you'll realize you actually don't have anything to lose by going for it.

You do, however, have much to lose if you don't go for it. If you don't reach out to connect with others, you won't connect with people. Over time, you will become both older and lonelier. This will make it even harder to connect with people, and so on. Cue the tragic cycle.

But if you give it a try and risk looking stupid, you break that cycle. You open the door to connection, support, friendship, joy. This is especially important as we get older. As we age, friends keep us alive. Figuratively, yes, but literally too.

That's not the only way fear of looking stupid holds you back socially. It can also afflict relationships with people you already know well: classmates, colleagues, teammates, whomever. A different flavor of fear creeps up here: "If I try that new thing and look stupid doing it, people will make fun of me. I'll be exposed. If I raise my hand to take the lead on giving that presentation, I might mess up and ruin my credibility with the very people whose opinions I most value." Your lizard brain naturally pours gasoline on this fire, shouting catastrophic promises at you: "You will lose everything! Everyone will know you are a talentless impostor!" it will hiss at you, wrongly but strongly.

Here's the good news: this story is false. In fact, it's backwards: risking looking stupid in front of these people will enhance your standing, not diminish it. Think about it: there are few things more endearing than someone earnestly trying at something while failing at that thing.

Something happens when people witness someone genuinely trying their best to do something difficult, and not quite nailing it. It is charming and disarming. It speaks well of the person trying.

Yes, smaller people will make fun of you. They will pity you from the safety of the glass house they've imprisoned themselves in. But this isn't a drawback; it's a blessing. You don't want the approval of those people. It's cheap, flimsy, and lacks structural integrity. It will disintegrate beneath you at a moment's notice, especially when you need it most. It's actually very helpful to know who these people are as quickly as you can, to prevent getting burned by them at a more important moment later on.

On the other hand, many of your peers will begin to shower you with validation and support. Yes, even while your lizard brain fearfully insists you must never show your face around them again. Why? First, there are the people who have been in your shoes, doing that noble work you're doing. These people will empathize with you and see a bold, admirable person in you. Possibly even a protege. They'll see someone "in the arena," a person with the fortitude to try even though they might fail. You will earn their respect. Similarly, there are the wise people who understand what it takes to become great at something, or at least better than you were yesterday. These people will warm to you, rightly seeing in you the very foundational spark of all of existence: the desire to grow and grasp for more. Then there are the kind people. They will see in you a worthy beneficiary, someone who deserves encouragement or even material support. They will be more likely to want to help you in the future because you've just proven that if they did, their assistance would be taken seriously; you will appreciate their support and put it to good use.

So if you try something difficult and fail in front of your peers, rejoice. Not only will you filter out the people who don't truly support you; you'll magnetize the ones who might. And it costs you nothing once you realize that fear of looking stupid is just that - fear - and nothing more.

Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back romantically

If you want to be in a healthy long-term relationship but you're not willing to look stupid, you're in for some hard times.

Countless relationships have died in the cradle because this vital piece was missing. You've probably witnessed one of these relationships in action at some point: any time an argument arises, each side digs their heels in and refuses to give an inch. Each side is convinced the other is a complete buffoon, stubborn to a fault, and "just doesn't get it." The tell-tale signs are exasperated "ughs," enraged "rrghs" and prolonged eye rolls.

Long-term relationships fail when one or both sides can't admit they were wrong about something. Can't laugh at themselves. Can't fear "looking stupid" to their partner. Why? This stance suffocates the pathways of connection between two people the way smoking clogs blood vessels, preventing vital oxygen and nutrients from getting through and refreshing the body. This fear fills the in-between space with toxic emotional plaque thick enough to extinguish the most fiery flames there might have been between them.

If you find yourself facing one relationship struggle after the next, consider whether you're allowing yourself to look stupid, or whether you're instead defending yourself - and in doing so, pushing away the person you need to connect with.

Now consider the converse: the relationships where the two seem effortlessly connected. Where they have such ease with each other. Where they just seem to dance gracefully around each other in conversation. Where they bring up each other's foibles without malice, but somehow, with love? Instead of "ughs" and eye rolls, these relationships are marked by playful ribbing, soft knowing laughter, and love acceptance.

These relationships work because each side recognizes that they themselves often look stupid. They're not ashamed of it, and they don't need to hide it. They own their flaws, liberating themselves and the other to look stupid. Because this is just a part of life. And if you recognize that and keep space for it, it completely loses its teeth. You realize fear of looking stupid was a paper tiger all along, a harmless baby kitten casting a tall and scary shadow on the wall.

Allowing yourself to look stupid is a profound aphrodisiac and connecting force for you and a romantic partner. It builds confidence, it deepens connection, and it increases love and admiration, rather than decreasing them. It is the oxygen that keeps the fire of the relationship burning surely and warmly. And as a side bonus, the fire of these relationships warm everyone around them too.

Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back intellectually

Here's an example of how fear of looking stupid makes you effectively more stupid. As a language geek, this one hits especially close to home for me. I recently read that when someone is trying to learning a new language, the greatest predictor of how fast they will become fluent is not how much vocabulary they know. It's not how frequently they study. It's not even their IQ. It is their willingness to look stupid while doing it. It's their willingness to bumble and stumble through sentences in real life situations, with real life interlocutors who are native or fluent in that language.

In retrospect, this is so obvious! How could I have missed this? Of course the real learning doesn't happen when you're sitting off in some dreary corner reading a textbook or when the Duolingo bird chirps of your triumphs in indirect object / pronoun agreement. The deepest learning happens when you engage your whole body and mind in the task. When your whole emotional system is revved up, trying to communicate a real idea to a real person. You can't become a better communicator by sitting in rooms reading about how to do it. You can only become a better communicator by - ya know - communicating!

Yes, sitting and studying is always a worthy endeavor. There's no question it helps. Just know that it will only get you 10-20% of the way there. To get to the other 80-90%, you're going to need to actually do the thing.

Confession time: I dealt with this problem for years without realizing how badly it was holding me back. As a kid I had dreams of becoming fluent in Spanish. I aced Spanish with flying colors every year I studied it from 7th grade through 12th. But when it was time to actually speak with a native Spanish speaker, I would freeze, paralyzed in self-judgment. I stopped practicing Spanish because I didn't want to look foolish. "I am a person of dignity," I would proudly proclaim to myself. "I am a great linguist! I cannot be seen out in these streets bumbling through sentences! Precisely who doth thou thinkest I be?! Foul knave! Be gone from me, folly-fallen rapscallion!"

Even though I "saved myself from looking stupid," I felt the pain. Deep down I could feel myself constricting. And of course, I got no better at speaking Spanish.

When I learned about the direct relationship between learning a new language and willingness to look stupid, I reframed the whole project in my brain. It became a game to see how stupid I could look in conversation, while still bumbling my way through! And wouldn't you know it: I not only started to improve at speaking Spanish. I started having so much more fun doing it! There is something so liberating about dropping all the pretense, getting yourself filthy in a muddy mess of a sentence you're trying to pull through, and collaborating with your eager conversation partner to find the way out. It is thrilling. It is so much dang fun!

Your fear of looking stupid is why kids learn faster than you

Why do kids learn so fast? I used to think it was all neuroplasticity. "Sure, they can learn anything 10x better and faster than we adults can because their brains are so much more malleable. They're chalk full of fresh stem cells for crying out loud! Stem cells! They're basically little bio-superheroes!"

My view has been changed on this. You know what else kids do? They naturally stretch juuust beyond their current capabilities when they do things. That's their secret.

Take learning to walk for example. They want to learn to walk. And they fall over a thousand times trying to get there. Or in grown up terms, they "look stupid" a thousand times before finally achieving the thing they're trying to do.

And they. Don't. Care. They just get up and try it again, every time!

I now believe the main reason most adults can't seem to learn as fast as children isn't because of neuroplasticity or stem cells or anything hardware-related. It's because adults get scared to stretch themselves just beyond their limits, especially in front of other people - because then, they fear, they will look stupid. And for most adults, looking stupid in front of other people is a fate worse than death.

This theory is supported by people who conquer this grown up aversion to looking stupid: people who keep growing and learning and expanding and doing bigger and bigger things, and become something scarcely recognizable as the same species as we are. If you're fortunate enough to meet and know even one of these people in your life, they will shatter your comfortable misconceptions too. You will realize that there is so much more you are capable of than you even know. And I propose a key reason we keep ourselves down is because we are simply too afraid to look stupid.

Don't fear looking stupid. Fear the opposite.

How many of us are walking around judging ourselves more harshly than the world ever could? How many of us are keeping ourselves "safe" and "comfortable" by not stretching out of our comfort zones?

It's up to you. You don't have a convenient hardware-based excuse. You could do these things. You do have that potential.

You just have to be willing to look stupid. Again and again.

Your work is to decide where you want to fall on that spectrum. You don't have to become some big star; you probably don't want to. Your only responsibility is to make sure that when you reach the end of your life, you will feel peace with the things you did, rather than regret at the things you didn't.

Are you holding yourself back too much for this fear? If so, take some steps to look stupid today. You just might look back and realize it was the best thing you ever did for yourself.

Footnote

[1] Yes, obligatory disclaimer on behalf of Milton Friedman that the museums are not entirely free, as they are supported by our collective tax dollars. Still, they are free to enter. You can just walk in without paying anyone a cent in that moment. That feels great and I ain't ashamed to say it.