In a season of "yes", a peace offering of "no"

It's January. Time to say "yes" to new things, right?

A new workout routine. A new reading schedule. A new career focus. More exercise. More walking. More learning. More, more, more.

We all know the beats. I've done it so many times I've lost count.

We all know resolutions usually don't actually work either.

Which opens the door to the merciful beauty of "no."

A note before you go further: this post is for people who default to saying "yes" too much. If that doesn't apply to you, congratulations, you probably don't need this post.

A place for "no" in a universe of "yes"

"No" gets a bad rap. Largely for good reason.

Everyone agrees that "yes" is the undisputed champ. Across all disciplines - the author, the theoretical physicist, the playwright, the business magnate - they sing from the same hymnal. We exalt the book of "yes."

And it makes sense. The point of existence is to - ya know - go out and exist! Do stuff! Make things happen! Try things! Experiment! Get better!

"No" simply has no place in all this busy doing.

But "no" has great power all its own: to restore, to re-energize, to reclaim one's strength. And the universe maintains its clever way of returning to balance. Indeed, the universal incumbency of "yes" is the very thing that makes "no" one of the most powerful forces in the universe.

The perils of unchecked "yessing"

What will happen when you fall prey to excessive "yessing"? You will get burned out. You will become exhausted; your body will break down in ways you never saw coming. You might even become anhedonic for a time. [1]

There are the other, more insidious tolls you will pay for excessive "yessing." You will get your priorities all mixed up. "Oh I'd love to hang out with you this Saturday [best friend in the world], and [go do that thing that will be stupidly fun], but shoot - I've already signed up for this [obligation I felt pressured to say "yes" to, which will ultimately prove meaningless in the grand scheme of my life]. Ugh, I'll have to rain check." And there goes a chance to deepen a bond, discover a new inside joke, make a memory that could last forever.

At some point, you will become a stranger to yourself and to others. You will lose your connection to your deepest values and find yourself feeling vaguely unsettled. You'll feel lost at sea, all alone on a puny pontoon, being swept about violently by the chaotic ocean that is your calendar. You will start to wonder, "who is actually calling the shots, here?"

I have been through all of these. I'd like to prevent this happening again. And I'd like to help you prevent it too.

Why we run around "yessing"

To avoid excessive "yessing," we need to understand why we're so drawn to it. Peel back the curtain and you'll see a dizzying array of coordinated forces in the Army of Yessing, all aimed straight at your brain.

Every day, the world conspires to riddle you with a fresh hell of "yessing" requests. You're getting texts that you really must reply to. You're getting pinged on Slack and it can't wait. The bakery sent you an urgent email to fill out a very important survey about the service you just received while you grabbed a muffin off the rack and ran your card. A flick of your thumb reveals 28 unread notifications from 12 different apps. Oh, and let's not talk about how many digits are in our number of unread email messages.

How fitting that each of these urgent "yes" requests takes the form of a red dot on your device. Red dots everywhere, all pointed right at your amygdala.

This puts a lot of pressure on us. "If I don't yes," our brain starts up, "people will think less of me, won't they?" "Wouldn't I be a bad friend? A bad colleague? Or, perhaps grisliest of all - a bad *gulp* consumer?"

And that's not to mention freelance and gig workers, whose next meal might ride on their next "yes."

All that said, here's the kicker: like every vice that sinks its teeth into us most harmfully, "yessing" isn't all bad. In fact, it has tons of redeeming qualities. It brings us lots of genuinely good and necessary things. There are logical reasons for excessive "yessing."

This is why we need to cast an especially critical eye on it. If we don't keep our "yessing" in balance, we will lose ourselves.

The saving grace of "no"

"No" gives us a bench to rest on when our feet are exhausted. "No" swats away tasks that aren't worth our time. "No" gives us permission to spend our finite attention on things we want to focus on. "No" keeps our energy stores in balance and replenishes our life force.

"No" gives us space to see things in a new way, which can re-energize us, fulfill us, and motivate us toward better things.

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but in seeing with new eyes. - Marcel Proust

"No" clears the way for our deepest priorities, allowing us to invest in what's most important to us in this one life we have. In this way, "no" also improves our "yessing" game. It makes us clearer, sharper, and more aligned in our "yesses," which reduces worry, uncertainty and fear.

Use the power of "no" when you need to

You operate best when you balance the two forces. They each work best when the other is equally strong in your life. You can't just say "no" to "yes" and "yes" to "no" and consider your life solved.

It's important to say "yes" and go adventure. Test your limits. Earn your scrapes. Achieve something. You were put here to create something worthwhile, and to do that you have to try things, whether or not they amount to anything in the end. Saying "yes" is an important part of a well-lived life. "A ship is safer at harbor than at sea, but that's not what ships are built for," as the adage goes. 

But when you're starting to fall out of center, remember "no," your old friend and protector. When you've wandered too far and lost your way, "no" will return you home.

Footnote

[1] Quick, oversimplified digression about why these things happen. They happen after your body has tried to say "no" for a while, but you didn't hear it amid the clatter of your brain's incessant "yessing." See, your brain and body collaborate on everything you do. Your brain calls the shots and your body dutifully carries out its orders. But your body, remarkable machine that it is, doesn't speak in words the way your brain does. So if you're not listening to it carefully, you can miss its silent pleas to slow down and rest. If you disregard the body's pleas for too long, your body is forced to shout to gain your attention. These effects happen when your body has to shout to get your brain's attention. They happen after your brain has written so many checks that your body no longer has the resources to cash them. You can also view them as your body going on strike for a while.